Reflection on a Year

I'm contemplating time tonight. I have been trapped in a Facebook black hole for part of this evening, digging up memories that I had buried for the past year. A year. I can't believe how long a year can feel. The past year for me has felt like the longest one of my life. Last summer, on July 19, Alex had not yet been fired (I believe it came the next day..), we had a whole different group of friends that has since scattered, I was half way done with my pregnancy, and we didn't have even an inkling of what our lives would look like merely a month later.

That bump!

Prepping a house to sell is a lot of work!

When I think about my life now, my friends, our church, my son...I am overwhelmed. Last summer I did not even know that life could be this sweet. That I would have friendships with people, with women, who I admire so deeply, trust so innately, relate to so immediately. I didn't know Alex would find work at a place where we feel accepted, appreciated, loved and where we feel so much respect for the leadership. I didn't know I would live in the most beautiful, small town with a tight knit community, that is a couple hours from my family. I didn't know how magical motherhood was, how much Emmett would change everything. I didn't know how special it would be to see my parents become grandparents. To see Alex become a dad.

I have never been as fulfilled with a deep sense of joy as I am at this stage of life. I want to remember this. I want this post to be a record of this time, because I know it won't last forever. I know I'm on a mountain right now, and that the valley will come. I want to look back at this when life feels like it's crumbling, when I go through a hard time, and remember how much God loves me and provides for every need, even ones I am unaware of.

A year ago, life crumbled. It was only because of that crumbling that God rebuilt my life and blessed me with a peace that seemed impossible in the midst of the destruction. I lost so many things that at the time seemed good, just to discover that God had great waiting. God had a place for us where we fit. Not where we had to pretend to be something else, or hide our beliefs or force ourselves to connect with certain people. He gave us a place where we are not alone. We are surrounded by friends who inspire us and help us grow and embrace us and share in our beliefs. Our son is loved by these wonderful people who we've only known for a handful of months. We are loved.

This is a thank you. It's a thank God. I am so undeserving and He gives us so much. I am unworthy and He has filled me up.

Time is doing that pesky thing where it speeds by and crawls at the same time. This year has been so full of change, it has felt so long, simply because everything about my life seems to be different than a year ago. But, of course, it also feels like it passed in the blink of an eye. I remember sitting in my empty house in Kansas about 11 months ago, sobbing a guttural cry because of everything that we had lost. I cried so deeply I would lose my voice. I felt so betrayed, so unloved, so hurt by people we had invested in for over a year. I felt this huge weight of injustice. I felt like I never wanted to go back to a church, like I couldn't trust anyone, like I didn't want to. I remember being so scared of passing the stress of my life to Emmett, growing in me. I remember hating the people that treated us like we were disposable. I felt devastated that we were having to "regress" in our adult lives. Live off of the charity of my family, enter into parenthood with uncertainties.

How could I, in one year, go from this valley to this summit? Only God. I am in awe of the change. Of the opportunities he presented us with. The friends, the jobs, the beauty of Big Bear. This place is healing and He brought us here, just like He does with so many of the people who end up in this small forest town. Last year I lived in a holler, and now I'm on a mountain and that is no coincidence. All I can do is praise.

|| Posted by Kate ||

Happy Five Months, Baby Boy.

Dear Emmett,

You are five months old today. You weigh more than double your birth weight. You have grown so big, so fast! I look at you now and forget what it was like to have a new born. Your old clothes seem comically small, like they are for a doll. I can't believe that some of the outfits you wear are size 6-9 months! (It's because you're so tall, of course). You can do so much these days! You laugh and smile almost on demand, you recognize your name, you know your Mommy and Daddy. You are so smart already!

Emmett...Ode to an Easy Baby

Dearest Emmett,

Thank you. I can't say thank you enough for what an amazing baby you are. Ever since you were born, you have given me at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Granted, for most of those nights those 7 hours were split into 2-3 chunks, but that's nothing to scoff at! You have been so generous to grant me so much rest and I thank you profusely.

Also, I gotta say, you're not much of a crier. You cry, but only when you need something specific. And it's always either a burp, hunger, or a poop that you're working out. And once in a while you're a little overstimulated. But really, that's it! You also tend to fuss for a while before the actual crying starts, which lets me try to figure out what it is you need before you have actual baby tears running down your face. Those tears are heartbreaking, baby. Also (and you get this from me) you turn beet red. Which is cute, except for the screaming and sweating. Which, again, happens so rarely that I can't even start to complain!

Life as a Pastor's Wife...Again

A few weeks ago, Alex was hired as the Youth Pastor at Community Church of Big Bear. With that comes so much joy and excitement, and also reminders of our life before. Before we were so hurt by a church that I didn't know how I would step foot in one again. Before we lost our home, our friends, our security, our dreams. It is bittersweet to be so reminded of the ministry we had in Kansas. This new life in Big Bear has taken the sting and pain that we've been living with since last summer, and even before, and transforming it. God is taking our story of pain and proving to us that He was in it, and that He has so much more than that for us. Our dreams there were small, and He wanted bigger. Our idea of joy was paltry compared to what we are now experiencing, and this new joy is nothing compared to what He has in store for us.

The past 6 months have been so full of change and uncertainty. And that hasn't completely gone away, but I have been seeing God answer prayers that I didn't even have the words to pray. We are being healed at this church in Big Bear. Alex is experiencing affirmation that is so new and foreign to him that he almost can't believe it. We have already been embraced into new friendships with people who are genuine and transparent, the kind of people that I hope I am. We have met an amazing group of youth kids who in so many ways remind us of the kids in Kansas that we loved and still love, but who are also fiercely unique and lovable.

What Works

Now that we've had our little Emmett for almost 2 months, I'm feeling a bit more confident as his mother. We have our routine down, I can interpret his cries, I know when he's about to have a big poop, and we share so many sweet moments throughout every day. He has the sweetest smile and he recognizes my voice and my smell, and it's magical to be his mommy.

I have had some help along the way, and no, I'm not talking about my parents or Alex (although their help is INVALUABLE and I would be lost without them!). I'm talking about baby merch! There are SO many things on the market for moms and their new babies, and it was quite a process shifting though all the options and finding what I wanted... And that was only step one! It matters much more what Emmett wants and what makes him comfortable and happy, and learning that was another process of it's own. So here is my review on the top baby items we have, what works for me and for him, and what I would recommend to new moms everywhere!

1. Fisher-Price My Little Lamb Platinum Edition Cradle 'n Swing : This nifty swing is a lifesaver for Emmett's daytime naps. He LOVES the gentle rocking and the mobile and blue light he looks up at, and most of all the sweet baby songs that I can play at different volumes. I even like listening to the cheesy baby songs. When they're on, I can hum along (I've listened to them hundreds of times now) and they make me feel like there's a baby in the house. (Weird, but I like it). Most of all, this cute swing plugs in. It's on so much that I would go through TONS of batteries if it didn't have an AC adapter. That was the number one thing I was looking for in a swing, and I'm so glad I did. Finally, we've had a few blow-outs (poop everywhere, for those of you who aren't parents) and the fabric lamb that Emmett sits in comes out super easy and is machine washable. This is a must. I would definitely recommend this swing and I'm so grateful to my "aunt" Lisa for giving me this at my baby shower!

Christmas 2014

This post is similar to my Thanksgiving 2014 post, except for the one HUGE difference! Baby Emmett was here to celebrate with us! Most of these photos feature him... here's a little peek at our extremely special Christmas of 2014. 

Aunt Laney got to meet Emmett! She fell in love pretty instantly. 

Emmett's Birth Story

Disclaimer: This post is super long. I am writing it all out so that I can remember all of the precious details of Emmett's birth, so just get ready for an in-depth story!

Emmett's journey into the world was not what I expected. Isn't that what you hear from every mom? When does it ever go exactly as anticipated? When does anything?

I'm so glad he came into the world his way...even if labor took 3 times longer than I thought it would. Even though I had to resort to taking medications that I was trying so hard not to take. Even though the pain was indescribable (and immediately forgettable).

December 8th came and went, and my hope that he would come on his due date proved false. Every day that week was agonizing, emotionally more than physically (although I was the size of a whale and every little thing took a ton of effort). I wanted him to be out so badly! I wanted to meet him, I wanted to be done being pregnant, I wanted to avoid being induced, I wanted his birthday not too close to Christmas. But that's a lot about me, and I figured out quickly that Emmett's entrance was, and should be, all about him.

My family made dollar bets about what day Emmett would show up. One by one, each day we had bet on passed by. The latest day that was predicted was by Jim, and was December 13. As that day came to a close, Alex and I felt so discouraged. Almost a week late and still no baby. Around 11pm we got in bed and prayed. It had been a while since we've prayed out loud together and I was feeling so down, I let Alex take the reins. He prayed that Emmett would be born soon. On God's timing, but soon. He prayed that I wouldn't have to be induced. He prayed that we would be healthy and safe. He prayed that we could meet our little one.

We started to fall asleep. After a couple minutes, at 11:30, I woke up with some cramp-like pains. I didn't admit to myself at first that they were contractions, I didn't want to get my hopes up. Alex started timing the pains, and after about an hour and a half they were 5 minutes apart and lasting for a minute. We woke up my mom, who's room is 15 feet away. (My dad was up in NorCal, but he got a call later on). I was moved downstairs to labor, and most of the next couple hours are a blur because I was so exhausted! We got zero sleep that night. Around 2:30, we let my doula, Betsy, know that labor had been consistent and contractions were getting stronger. She came over to observe and support. She told me to let myself melt into the pain. When a contraction would hit, I would breathe in and out very slowly and moan gently. I let every muscle in my body relax so much that I felt like I was just melting away. This technique helped me so much, and I continued to do it once we got to the hospital.

Emmett Douglas Jackson

Emmett Douglas Jackson is here!! I am obsessed. He is amazing. I've put our Christmas card/birth announcements below, we sent out two different ones. When I was designing them I just could not decide between the two, so we went with both! I had so much fun taking these photos and putting the announcements together! I've got to say, I have a pretty great model. 

If you're looking for some more details about little Emmett, click here for his birth story!

|| Posted by Kate ||

Christmas Decorating at the Lumberjackson Lodge - Big Bear Edition

A year ago, I posted photos of the first Lumberjackson Christmas! It was our first year of marriage, our first Christmas, our first home. So much has changed since then! Our first home is currently on the market, we've moved back to California and are living in Big Bear. We have a baby on the way, who is supposed to arrive on December 8th, our sweet dogs are in Missouri until sometime early next year, and we are spending the entire Christmas season in Long Beach waiting for our little Lumberjackson to arrive! With all of that, it doesn't seem practical to do a bunch of Christmas decorating... 

And yet, I thought it would be special to put up at least SOME decorations! It's a little early, but as Alex wrote about recently, our season of Advent has been extended this year. I also thought this would be a good opportunity to photograph a clean house and give a little tour of the lodge! So without further ado...

The kitchen! I love the size of this space and the nearly unused 70's appliances and the fact that our dining table fits in the middle of the room. I love eat-in kitchens. They feel so homey to me.

My parents re-painted the cabinets before we moved in here, they used to be a pretty awful wood (I normally love everything wood, but these just did not age well) and now they are bright and beautiful, and I especially love the pop of red on those lower cabinets on the right.

I've put up this little village ever since I lived in a dorm. It's evolved over the years with trees and better lights and glittery cotton for snow. It just has to go up every year!

Baby Shower!

My sister Laney, sister-in-law Nadine, and mom threw me an incredibly beautiful and precious baby shower yesterday! It was at Nadine and Jim's house in Lakewood, which is such a special place to me! I lived there for a couple years and it was on that front porch that I met Alex in person for the first time before our first date.

The colors of the shower were blues, oranges and grey, which are the colors of little Emmett's nursery. The theme was Baby Lumberjackson (of course!) and there were such detailed and adorable decorations and foods that reflected the theme so perfectly. I am so excited that I get to use many of these decorations in the nursery! It's all feeling so real. The shower was on November 8, which is exactly a month before Emmett's due date. 

I've included a ton of photos below, documenting the special day! 

The pinecones are from the backyard in Big Bear, Nadine framed a bunch of photos from the maternity shoot, and my mom found the adorable woodland animals for the table! I love how the flowers are in tin cans and the feathers and moss add so much to the forest-y theme.

Laney loved how the verse in this frame really matched the "birth" theme... "go out in joy... get it?!".

Who Determines When The Snow Falls?

On Halloween night, it snowed. Apparently, this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced snow on Halloween. When I was younger and living in Kentucky there was a freak snow storm while I was trick-or-treating, but I don’t remember it all that well. And being in Southern California for most of my life, snow in October is not a common thing. Snow in general is not a common thing.

We got our seasons from the decorations at Disneyland and the seasonal offerings at the local eateries. “Pumpkin pancakes?! It must be Fall!” I think this is partly responsible for my love of all things Autumn and Christmas. I’m eating pumpkin flavored things the first Sunday of September, just because I wanna be in the spirit. I’m downing eggnog before we’ve even finished the Halloween candy. 

But this year is a little different. Little baby Emmett is due in December, so my Christmas plans are going on the back burner. Kate and I aren’t sure to what extent we will decorate the Lodge in Big Bear because we’re going to be staying with her parents when the baby comes. Since we can’t know for sure when the baby will come, we can’t know for sure when we’ll be heading back up the hill. There are so many questions, and so many unknowns. All because we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little baby.

So, when God blessed us with our first snow on Halloween night I decided to throw tradition to the wind and just go full Christmas. I’m extending the advent season by 100%. No longer will it be crammed into the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas, like Santa trying to fit in a coach seat. We’re moving him to first class! Making the advent last 2 whole months.

Now, I have my selfish reasons. I want to listen to Christmas music before it will be interrupted by newborn cries. I want to enjoy the smells of Christmas before they’re paired with fresh dirty diaper stink (read: stank). 

But I also think that this time of Advent is important. And this year may be the year that I understand Advent the best. Not just am I anxiously awaiting the celebration of the birth of our Saviour, I’m also anxiously awaiting the celebration of the birth of my first child.