Reflection on a Year

I'm contemplating time tonight. I have been trapped in a Facebook black hole for part of this evening, digging up memories that I had buried for the past year. A year. I can't believe how long a year can feel. The past year for me has felt like the longest one of my life. Last summer, on July 19, Alex had not yet been fired (I believe it came the next day..), we had a whole different group of friends that has since scattered, I was half way done with my pregnancy, and we didn't have even an inkling of what our lives would look like merely a month later.

That bump!

Prepping a house to sell is a lot of work!

When I think about my life now, my friends, our church, my son...I am overwhelmed. Last summer I did not even know that life could be this sweet. That I would have friendships with people, with women, who I admire so deeply, trust so innately, relate to so immediately. I didn't know Alex would find work at a place where we feel accepted, appreciated, loved and where we feel so much respect for the leadership. I didn't know I would live in the most beautiful, small town with a tight knit community, that is a couple hours from my family. I didn't know how magical motherhood was, how much Emmett would change everything. I didn't know how special it would be to see my parents become grandparents. To see Alex become a dad.

I have never been as fulfilled with a deep sense of joy as I am at this stage of life. I want to remember this. I want this post to be a record of this time, because I know it won't last forever. I know I'm on a mountain right now, and that the valley will come. I want to look back at this when life feels like it's crumbling, when I go through a hard time, and remember how much God loves me and provides for every need, even ones I am unaware of.

A year ago, life crumbled. It was only because of that crumbling that God rebuilt my life and blessed me with a peace that seemed impossible in the midst of the destruction. I lost so many things that at the time seemed good, just to discover that God had great waiting. God had a place for us where we fit. Not where we had to pretend to be something else, or hide our beliefs or force ourselves to connect with certain people. He gave us a place where we are not alone. We are surrounded by friends who inspire us and help us grow and embrace us and share in our beliefs. Our son is loved by these wonderful people who we've only known for a handful of months. We are loved.

This is a thank you. It's a thank God. I am so undeserving and He gives us so much. I am unworthy and He has filled me up.

Time is doing that pesky thing where it speeds by and crawls at the same time. This year has been so full of change, it has felt so long, simply because everything about my life seems to be different than a year ago. But, of course, it also feels like it passed in the blink of an eye. I remember sitting in my empty house in Kansas about 11 months ago, sobbing a guttural cry because of everything that we had lost. I cried so deeply I would lose my voice. I felt so betrayed, so unloved, so hurt by people we had invested in for over a year. I felt this huge weight of injustice. I felt like I never wanted to go back to a church, like I couldn't trust anyone, like I didn't want to. I remember being so scared of passing the stress of my life to Emmett, growing in me. I remember hating the people that treated us like we were disposable. I felt devastated that we were having to "regress" in our adult lives. Live off of the charity of my family, enter into parenthood with uncertainties.

How could I, in one year, go from this valley to this summit? Only God. I am in awe of the change. Of the opportunities he presented us with. The friends, the jobs, the beauty of Big Bear. This place is healing and He brought us here, just like He does with so many of the people who end up in this small forest town. Last year I lived in a holler, and now I'm on a mountain and that is no coincidence. All I can do is praise.

|| Posted by Kate ||

Emmett's Birth Story

Disclaimer: This post is super long. I am writing it all out so that I can remember all of the precious details of Emmett's birth, so just get ready for an in-depth story!

Emmett's journey into the world was not what I expected. Isn't that what you hear from every mom? When does it ever go exactly as anticipated? When does anything?

I'm so glad he came into the world his way...even if labor took 3 times longer than I thought it would. Even though I had to resort to taking medications that I was trying so hard not to take. Even though the pain was indescribable (and immediately forgettable).

December 8th came and went, and my hope that he would come on his due date proved false. Every day that week was agonizing, emotionally more than physically (although I was the size of a whale and every little thing took a ton of effort). I wanted him to be out so badly! I wanted to meet him, I wanted to be done being pregnant, I wanted to avoid being induced, I wanted his birthday not too close to Christmas. But that's a lot about me, and I figured out quickly that Emmett's entrance was, and should be, all about him.

My family made dollar bets about what day Emmett would show up. One by one, each day we had bet on passed by. The latest day that was predicted was by Jim, and was December 13. As that day came to a close, Alex and I felt so discouraged. Almost a week late and still no baby. Around 11pm we got in bed and prayed. It had been a while since we've prayed out loud together and I was feeling so down, I let Alex take the reins. He prayed that Emmett would be born soon. On God's timing, but soon. He prayed that I wouldn't have to be induced. He prayed that we would be healthy and safe. He prayed that we could meet our little one.

We started to fall asleep. After a couple minutes, at 11:30, I woke up with some cramp-like pains. I didn't admit to myself at first that they were contractions, I didn't want to get my hopes up. Alex started timing the pains, and after about an hour and a half they were 5 minutes apart and lasting for a minute. We woke up my mom, who's room is 15 feet away. (My dad was up in NorCal, but he got a call later on). I was moved downstairs to labor, and most of the next couple hours are a blur because I was so exhausted! We got zero sleep that night. Around 2:30, we let my doula, Betsy, know that labor had been consistent and contractions were getting stronger. She came over to observe and support. She told me to let myself melt into the pain. When a contraction would hit, I would breathe in and out very slowly and moan gently. I let every muscle in my body relax so much that I felt like I was just melting away. This technique helped me so much, and I continued to do it once we got to the hospital.

Baby Shower!

My sister Laney, sister-in-law Nadine, and mom threw me an incredibly beautiful and precious baby shower yesterday! It was at Nadine and Jim's house in Lakewood, which is such a special place to me! I lived there for a couple years and it was on that front porch that I met Alex in person for the first time before our first date.

The colors of the shower were blues, oranges and grey, which are the colors of little Emmett's nursery. The theme was Baby Lumberjackson (of course!) and there were such detailed and adorable decorations and foods that reflected the theme so perfectly. I am so excited that I get to use many of these decorations in the nursery! It's all feeling so real. The shower was on November 8, which is exactly a month before Emmett's due date. 

I've included a ton of photos below, documenting the special day! 

The pinecones are from the backyard in Big Bear, Nadine framed a bunch of photos from the maternity shoot, and my mom found the adorable woodland animals for the table! I love how the flowers are in tin cans and the feathers and moss add so much to the forest-y theme.

Laney loved how the verse in this frame really matched the "birth" theme... "go out in joy... get it?!".

Who Determines When The Snow Falls?

On Halloween night, it snowed. Apparently, this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced snow on Halloween. When I was younger and living in Kentucky there was a freak snow storm while I was trick-or-treating, but I don’t remember it all that well. And being in Southern California for most of my life, snow in October is not a common thing. Snow in general is not a common thing.

We got our seasons from the decorations at Disneyland and the seasonal offerings at the local eateries. “Pumpkin pancakes?! It must be Fall!” I think this is partly responsible for my love of all things Autumn and Christmas. I’m eating pumpkin flavored things the first Sunday of September, just because I wanna be in the spirit. I’m downing eggnog before we’ve even finished the Halloween candy. 

But this year is a little different. Little baby Emmett is due in December, so my Christmas plans are going on the back burner. Kate and I aren’t sure to what extent we will decorate the Lodge in Big Bear because we’re going to be staying with her parents when the baby comes. Since we can’t know for sure when the baby will come, we can’t know for sure when we’ll be heading back up the hill. There are so many questions, and so many unknowns. All because we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little baby.

So, when God blessed us with our first snow on Halloween night I decided to throw tradition to the wind and just go full Christmas. I’m extending the advent season by 100%. No longer will it be crammed into the space between Thanksgiving and Christmas, like Santa trying to fit in a coach seat. We’re moving him to first class! Making the advent last 2 whole months.

Now, I have my selfish reasons. I want to listen to Christmas music before it will be interrupted by newborn cries. I want to enjoy the smells of Christmas before they’re paired with fresh dirty diaper stink (read: stank). 

But I also think that this time of Advent is important. And this year may be the year that I understand Advent the best. Not just am I anxiously awaiting the celebration of the birth of our Saviour, I’m also anxiously awaiting the celebration of the birth of my first child.  

Our Maternity Photo Shoot!

Our dear friend Lyndsey took these photos for us when I was just about 34 weeks pregnant. I feel so immensely blessed to have gotten some intentional maternity photos, because the past 8 months have been so full of upheaval and change and moves and tiiiiight budgets that I knew I wouldn't be able to hire a professional photographer and pay hundreds of dollars for a session. When I thought about that, it made way more sense to wait until after the little guy is born and get those awesome photos with his sweet little face in them! But spontaneously, our close friends Josh and Lyndsey, were coming up for a visit in Big Bear and even more spontaneously, I asked if she'd be ok with taking a few photos of Alex and I, like a maternity shoot. I knew she was awesome at taking photos, and she had a fancy camera, and she took most of our wedding photos a couple years ago, so I was PUMPED when she said she would! 

I am so grateful, Lyndsey, and these photos turned out so beautifully. They hold an even more special place in my heart because I genuinely did not think I would be having maternity photos taken, and it means so much to me to have some last professional quality photos of Alex and I before our little boy enters the world. I think next time I need to start paying you! :)