Back when I got ordained I got a nice fancy piece of paper that said “Alex Jackson is hereby ordained as a Minister of the Gospel”, one of the ladies at the church even took time to decorate it with glitter markers so you knew it was really extra special. When you go through an ordination process it requires that you really consider what God has called you to do, and when I was ordained I knew that it wasn’t just for one church, and it wasn’t just as a Youth Pastor, it was forever. From that day on I was a Minister of the Gospel, no matter the circumstances. It was a call I received from God, and you can’t just be un-called. It’s not like Jonah was chilling in the whale thinking “great! I totally got out of that mess! Now I’ll never have to go to Nineveh.” No, it was more like “well… I guess God does get what He wants.”
But let me tell ya, these last few months tested that to my very core. As I attended Fuller I kept on having to write about my calling and where God wanted me, all the while I was floating around from different jobs, learning how to be a dad, and not know what the future would look like.
I started this semester thinking about how I could get out of one of my assignments. I had to go to church 8 weeks out of 10, and I had to observe the congregation. At the end of the class I had to rewrite what is called the Central Integrative Question, or basically “what I believe my calling is".
Here’s what I wrote:
Over these last 10 weeks I have experienced so much change. When I rewrote my CIQ in November, my son hadn’t been born yet and I was still working as a bouncer for a night club. I had not even begun to heal the wounds from the church I was at before, and I was not certain that they ever would heal. As much as I tried to articulate a clear sense of calling, I felt incredibly lost. In turn, my wife felt like I was not able to provide the same sort of spiritual leadership I had in the past, and this made my first few weeks as a father very difficult.
When I started this course I thought it was funny, taking a course about Christian Community online where I could remain somewhat anonymous, and continue to avoid engaging with a local church. I wrestled with the assignment to be involved with a local congregation, and in the back of my mind I thought “how can I get out of this?". The first week I was traveling, so participating with a local congregation was going to be impossible. The second week I had no idea where to go, and ended up at a church that reminded me of all the things I hated from the church I was at before. I remember praying with my wife that God would make it clear where he wanted me next, and secretly hoping that I wouldn’t have to address the wounds, and instead I could just let them fester. It became clear that was not God’s intention.
I began working at a coffee shop, which allowed me to escape the nightclub lifestyle, and as I got back to a normal sleep schedule and was able to get more involved with my studies in this course, I recognized that the wounds were still there, and that God wanted my family to go back to church. I saw the need for community as I was studying in this class, and also was reminded that God had called me to ministry no matter my circumstances.
I woke up one morning to a text message on my wife’s phone. A friend of hers had seen a job posting for a church in Big Bear. It was the only church that my wife and I had both visited, and we both felt God’s presence there. I was hesitant at first, grasping at anything to justify not going back to ministry. I posted in the small groups for this class and asked for advice and prayer. It was the first time that I felt like I was participating in a Christian Community again.
As I engaged more with the class, the things that really stood out to me were our conversations on what defined a Christian practice early in the semester. I remember ranting in the forum about how grace is absolutely essential to any Christian practice, and that no matter how we try to do good, we will consistently fail. So even if we talk about tithing, or giving to others, or worshiping a certain way, or doing communion a certain way, ultimately we always fall short, and we illustrate our desperate need for grace. I shared those posts with my wife, and it went on for a few weeks where I would rant and rave about how grace was so essential, until finally one night she just said “that’s great honey, but do you show grace to people? Have you shown grace to the Church?” I was immediately defensive, and trying to find any way to justify my actions, but I remember a voice in my head saying “I shouldn’t have to!” Like a little kid throwing a tantrum. But God was consistently revealing to me, “yes, you absolutely have to. You have to forgive, you have to show grace, and you have to go back to church. These are Christian practices.”
I turned in my application for the Youth Ministry position, and so many of the deep insecurities I had came back in full force, but every time they did, I realized more that this is the path to healing. I have to see the wounds, and call them what they are, before I can truly begin to heal from them. And before I can show love and grace to others, I need to accept grace for my own failures. Seeing the hurt, and owning the hurt, allowed me to see more clearly how God could use the hurt.
It’s fitting that the final two weeks of class were about testimony and forgiveness. I realized the need to share my story, and see how God was using every part of it to give Him glory. And I realized how I need to forgive as a way of sharing the Gospel with others.
In all of that, I had a renewed sense of calling. As I sat down to write this paper I reconsidered my priorities, and where I felt like God wanted me to be, and I was reminded that my first calling is to my family. I have been learning grace and forgiveness so that I can demonstrate those things to my son, who unknowingly frustrates me by waking me up at 3 AM crying, and my wife who needs me to be in relationship with God so that I can contribute that love to our family.
At the heart of my calling is the Christian Practice of forgiveness, rooted in grace and love. I share the love of Christ to my family first, by being gracious with them even when my heart feels hardened. As an overflow of my own love for Christ and the grace He’s given me, I share my love with the Church, and in turn I allow the Church to mold my life. I am called to be a part of a Christian Community. Ironically I have also been called to be a minister at Community Church of Big Bear, showing that God really does have a sense of humor.
|| Posted by Alex ||
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